


And Then There Was One

by Bandshe



Series: Anders and Warden Surana [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Child Death, F/M, Gen, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 00:58:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3432194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bandshe/pseuds/Bandshe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU Anders leaves the Wardens for a more sensitive reason than many thought. He spends 2 years away from Amaranthine before going back to deal with the aftermath of a tragedy and the VERY hateful words that were exchanged between him and the Hero of Ferelden/Arlessa of Amaranthine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Then There Was One

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, this is VERY emotional story with a lot of angry and hurtful retaliations during a sensitive time for Anders and the Warden. There will be mentionings of stillborns in this story so if you don't think you can read that, please don't read this. I'm sorry if this story does end up hurting anyone, it's unintentional.
> 
> Also, I'm doing this backwards. I'm working me way from the "last" story and then all the way to the beginning to go back to the story that takes place after this event.

Anders never really told anyone why he left the Wardens, why his personality drastically shifted. He spent the years after he left trying to find purpose again, to feel something other than rejection or abandonment. His colleagues (to say friends would be exaggerating), just knew him as the gloomy mage that fought for mage’s rights. There was more to him, something he didn’t want others to know. If they knew, they’d pity him. He didn’t want pity, he didn’t want people trying to make him feel better. To acknowledge his loss, would make it worse, then he’d hear it from more than himself. Soon Varric would’ve spun a story from it, Hawke would’ve comforted him, Isabella would’ve avoided mentioning their common ground.

“Let them think the worse of me, I already do. If I move on from this, I’ll never forgive myself.” he wrote down in his journal.

Anders kept two journals, one was his manifesto, the other was filled with entries that were supposed to be mailed out, but never were. Anders would thumb through his journal, crying and wanting to burn it, but he couldn’t. He kept a box under his cot, inside were letters tied together with a satin ribbon, the only luxury item he had. The one thing that tied his past together, the one thing that was his past.

“Blondie, whatever it is you’re working through, just make it quick and cheer up. I’m sure a smile won’t hurt you. Maker knows your scowls are.” Varric said irritably.

“Varric, I’m smiling on the inside and that’s what matters. Can we make this quick I have people waiting for me at the clinic.” Anders walked ahead impatiently.

“What is up with him? He’s more crotchety than normal. I didn’t think going to the Deep Roads would make him this way. If I knew he would’ve stayed here.” Hawke felt guilty for insisting that he went despite Anders saying no.

“There are things about being a Warden that I don’t want to relive. At this particular time, it’s worse than it normally would be. You can take the map, keep it, just don’t involve me.”

But Hawke couldn’t resist. He felt as if he needed the mage with him and he thought he was helping Anders. He never thought that bringing Anders there on that specific date would bring back a part of him he thought and hoped was lost forever.

Walking into the Deep Roads made Anders’ chest tighten, he felt panic set in. “I can’t go any further than this. I’m sorry.” Anders stood his ground, but then Hawke’s brother got injured and Anders knew who to get to help him. This meant he had to walk further into the Deep Roads than he wanted. Trekking through corpses of darkspawn, mages, dwarves, elves, humans made his heart pound. Every now and then he found himself on his knees crying into his hands apologizing to the one person that was always there for him. He dragged himself through the Roads until he bumped into the one person he didn’t want to.

“Anders?”

“Na…Nathaniel?”

“What are you doing here? Does she know you’re here?” Nathaniel asked concerned about their friend’s feelings. “I see her writing all the time, but I never see her mail anything. I just thought she was writing her journal, your journal. I remember how you two…”

“Stop. Please Nathaniel, stop.”

Nathaniel lowered his head apologetically and repeated his question. “What are you doing here? You swore never to return.”

“I’m helping someone and his brother has Darkspawn blood in him. I figured he could be conscripted and join the Wardens. He’s a great fighter, you’ll be glad to have him amongst your ranks.” Anders spoke as if he was never a Warden. Nathaniel looked at him sorrowfully.

“Anders.” Nathaniel paused knowing that if he refused Anders may collapse in front of him. He didn’t want to have that on his shoulders. He didn’t want to go back to her and tell her that Anders was worse than when he left. She’d be just as broken. “Where is he?”

Anders stood there sulking and lead Nathaniel to Carver. It was a painfully long and silent trek to Carver. Carver was propped up against a boulder, coughing up blood, some his, some belonging to the Hurlock he had killed. Nathaniel bent down looking at him and then looking up at Anders. His eyes said everything. Nathaniel didn’t know if he could save him, but Anders wasn’t going to accept no for an answer. Nathaniel tried, he lead Carver to his Commander Stroud. It was a walk, but Anders helped.

“You two know each other?” Carver asked Nathaniel.

“Yes, we were conscripted at the same time, relatively. We were mutually responsible for saving each other’s asses. We weren’t solely responsible though. The Hero…”

Anders glares indignantly at Nathaniel who quickly changes topics. “Let’s get you to Stroud, you have great potential, even if you don’t want this.”

“Heh, my brother is a pretty stubborn guy. He wouldn’t have let me die, no matter how many times we say we want each other dead. Family is strange like that.” Carver said.

“It is.” Nathaniel looks at Anders, who immediately looks away. _Anders, she needed you, needs you. Why did you have to be a fool and leave? It just about killed her._ Nathaniel knew better than to say anything.

They reached their destination and Anders turned to leave, no good byes nothing.

“Anders!” Nathaniel shouted.

Anders’ shoulders dropped, but he refused to stop walking. He could hear Nathaniel catch up to him.

“Anders I don’t care if you stop walking, but I have something for you. I thought she was being too hopeful, but she said if I ever ran into you to give you these. You don’t have to open the parcel, but at least take it.” Nathaniel hands him a small parcel.  
Anders smiles at him and hands him a piece paper. “Give this to her. I knew I was coming here and just in case I ran into a familiar face, I figured…”

“I guess the Maker smiled down on you two after all.” Nathaniel took the letter.

“I guess.” Anders turned back around and headed through the tunnels disappearing from Nathaniel’s view.

For days Anders looked at the parcel. He figured he’d just hide it under his cot like everything else that was too painful to open.

"She knows where I live now, but I’m sure she already did, but wanted to give me my space. This parcel, I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t feel right throwing it out. She wouldn’t forgive me, but it will hurt to keep it around, to open it. Maker, what is wrong with me?"

That was all he could muster writing down in his journal. He looked at his manifesto picking it up knowing it was easier to write.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“He gave me this to give to you. I didn’t read it. I know you asked if I saw him to read the letter in case it was too painful.” Nathaniel hands her over the letter. She doesn’t want to open it. She too had a box of letters tied with the same ribbon. She took the letter and undid the ribbon. She gingerly placed this letter on top of the others and tied it off.

“I can’t believe you two. You’re hurting everyone around you too, you know. And no, I don’t think he’ll open the parcel. You’re lucky he even took it. He probably only did to be nice to me. You two fix your problems, I’m tired, we’re tired of all of this. Go to him.” Nathaniel urged.

“I can’t. It’s too soon.”

“It’s been two years!” Nathaniel exploded. He quickly backed off apologizing. “I’m sorry Arlessa, forgive me.”

“I deserved it. Don’t ever feel bad for telling the truth, no matter how much pain it will inflict on another. The truth is meant to be raw, painful and pleasant. Thank you, just leave me now. Oh, Nathaniel?” She called out to him as he headed to the door.

“Yes?”

“You don’t have to be so formal. We’re friends.”

“I know. It just doesn’t feel like you’re letting me be your friend.” Nathaniel walked out quietly, looking at her sadly as he closed the door.

“How’s the Warden?” Oghren asked.

“The same, maybe even worse if that’s even possible.” Nathaniel muttered.

“That nug humper really twisted that blade. If I ever see him again.” Oghren threatened.

“She’d kill you. It was just as much her fault. She knows it. She said something foolish and he responded in kind, worse actually. I think that is why she hasn’t sent anyone to kill him.” Nathaniel still looked at her door.

“I would’ve.” Oghren said without hesitation. “Hell, I just might.”

“Let’s go. She’ll hopefully be better tomorrow.”

The two wardens walked away. The Arlessa was good at hiding her pain when she needed to and sometimes she was able to even fool herself. She had moments where she was truly happy, but that’s when she was visiting her friends. Alistair always made her laugh and when she was around him she was another person. Alistair was all too aware of the pain she was in, and he wanted to help his best friend, his sister in arms.

“Thank you Alistair, thank you for helping her.” Nathaniel pulled him to the side.

“It’s nothing, she needs the distraction. How is he? She told me you ran into him when you went to Kirkwall.”

“He seems just as bad. Normally I’d say they’re meant for each other, but it was because they are that they’re like this.” Nathaniel watched her playing with Alistair’s mabari.

“You know she got rid of Ser-Pounce- A-Lot. If I told Anders I think he would’ve killed me right then and there. She also got rid of Barksy. Honestly, she shouldn’t have let him name either of those animals. She couldn’t bear seeing them. It’s sad really because I still see them sulking around. I feed them, try to keep them around just in case. The recruits take turns caring for them.”

“It’s gotten that bad?” Alistair asked shocked. “They were everything to both of them. The perfect companions for the perfect couple. I’ve never seen anyone so happy.” Alistair said jealously.

“And now you see the most pathetic Grey Warden before you, no longer the Hero Of Ferelden. Don’t let her know I said that or I’ll meet the same fate my father did. Probably the same way, she’s the type to do it.” Nathaniel put his trust in Alistair to remain silent.

“Heh, she is. She has a thing for humorous endings, no matter how distasteful. Well, I have recruits to train, it was nice talking to you. I’m headed towards Kirkwall on business so I’ll see if I can track him down.” Alistair promised.

“I wouldn’t. When he saw me it was as if his whole past was thrown in his face and I think it tore a bigger hole into his heart.” Nathaniel warned.

“These two have to just move forward or move on.”Alistair said frustrated.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anders listened to Isabella’s musings about her adventures and dalliances with different partners. More and more Anders just wanted to be away from the party, but more and more mages were being hurt and he had to stop it. He was convinced that if he wasn’t with Hawke, that nothing would ever get done.

“Hawke, I have to sit this one out.”

“What’s the matter Blondie, not enough mages to rescue today?” Varric mocked. He expected Anders to respond in kind, but he just said good bye and returned to his apartment in the slums.

Anders sat on his cot and reached under it for his box. He took out his journals, per usual, but this time he took out the parcel and the stack of letters. He swallowed hard and untied the ribbon. The stack of letter toppled over, all of them still had the wax seals and ribbons keeping them wrapped in case the wax dried up and fell apart, as it did. It was two years after all, there was no way they’d stay together. Time saw fit to open the letters before he ever had the courage to. He spent hours pouring over all her letters. Each one begging him to return, apologizing to him, talking about misunderstandings and heartbreak. Each letter dampened by his tears. Before he was done reading the letters he felt himself get sick. He looked at his manifesto and threw it in the fire.

“You’re not worth keeping around. You’re not who I am, you are who I was pretending to be.” He places his journal on his lap and finishes reading her letter to him. Each one less painful to him. Each one made him long for her, cursing himself for leaving her when she was just upset, not at him, but herself. It wasn’t her fault. Why did she think so? _Why did I listen when she told me to leave? She was angry, she wasn’t thinking clearly. Why did I think my response was appropriate. I deserved to die by her hands that night, but her hands were full of his blood already. She felt guilty for what she had foolishly thought she had done. I was, am, a fool._

Anders placed his hand on the parcel that Nathaniel had handed him. It smelled like her, even with weeks under his cot, it retained her smell. She wasn’t much for perfumes, but he had picked it out for her and ever since then she’d wear it every day. It made him smile to know that she still wore it or at least teased him enough to spray the parcel with the perfume. He played with the ribbon, looking at the one in his box. The ribbons were all cut from a longer one. They each kept a piece so when they were apart they had a piece of each other. When Anders left he took his never thinking that she’d keep hers. He noticed that the ribbon had been torn, meaning she still had some with her. With a deep breath he pulled the ribbon. The paper around the parcel fell and the contents were slowly revealed. There was another letter on top. He opened up and began to read it.

_Anders, my love,_

_I don’t know when this will reach, or if it will ever reach you, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for my poisonous words. This wasn’t your fault,_ _I was told it wasn’t mine either, but how could it not be mine. I feel that my body betrayed me for a decision I made, one that had ramifications_ _beyond my understanding. If I knew, but at that moment I wasn’t thinking that far ahead. I had a country to save, I did it. I feel that I doomed_ _you as well. You’re sharing my life and it’s not the way I wanted. I took what little freedom you had and put an expiration date on your life. I thought_ _I was helping you and maybe at that moment I was. You would’ve surely been killed and you didn’t deserve it.I just prolonged the inevitable. I love you_ _and I sentenced you to death with the notion that I was saving you. I’m tired of thinking I’m giving someone life and then killing them. I won’t tell you_ _how I’m doing here because it would just make you feel worse, I don’t want to hurt you any more._

_I love you. I want you with me, I made a huge mistake and I probably could never make up for it, but I’ll try, for as long as I live I will try._ _Hopefully the contents of this parcel haven’t been lost seeing as it was only wrapped with paper and our ribbon. But I just want you to know that I’m ready_ _when you are. I want to start again. Do it as many times as it takes. We’ve lost something, and instead of supporting each other we tore each other apart. How did_ _we even think that was the right thing to do? I kicked you out and you actually left. I never thought you would. I lost two of those that I loved that day, I was, am, such a fool._ _We hurt each other and I don’t blame you if you never return, whatever your reason is._

_Nathaniel thinks I should stop. He said that after what you said to me, that I’d be better off. He said that regardless of what I said to you, you should’ve just come to me. Even_ _if you did, I wouldn’t want you near me. But I want you near me now. Maybe we can fix what we broke. If not, then I’ll stop waiting and move on._

_Love,_  
_June_

Anders looked at the contents and it was a dress he had bought her with the ring he had used to ask her to marry him. Placed in between the ring and dress was a pair of knitted booties. Anders was glad he opened the parcel, he was finally happy. His heart sank into his stomach, but he realized he was ready to go back into the arms of the woman who loved her as deeply as anyone could. They lost more than each other that day and they just walked away from each other. It hurt him that she never let him comfort her. She lost their baby, but she wouldn’t let him near her, near both of them. She was pregnant for only half of the term, they were convinced it would work, but when it didn’t it crushed them, her more so. She felt as if she let Anders down, felt as if she let their son down. She kept crying out how she killed their baby. She blamed herself until she started blaming him.

“How could you even entertain my foolish notions that this could work?! I believed you and now our son is dead because of it! You did this. Leave! I don’t want to see you anymore!”

Those words stabbed him through his heart, a death by darkspawn would’ve been preferable to what she was spewing at him. Those words weren’t the ones he wanted to hear as his wife held their stillborn son in her arms. He never got to see the baby, but he supposed it was for the best. It was bad enough she made him feel like he was an abomination, but if he had seen their son’s face it would’ve haunted him even more. Before he left he did the worst thing he could think about, such a vengeful act that he only expected it to end with him with a sword through his chest, “You’re right, you’re the reason he died.”

The room had gone silent as he slammed the door behind him, leaving her a bigger wreck. Nathaniel was the only one allowed in the room with both of them and the look that washed over his face. The pure rage filling up inside him, only matched by her cries of grief and anger. She stopped Nathaniel from doing anything that they’d both regret.  
“Leave him. I deserved it. I blamed him for it, what should I have expected?”  
“You should’ve expected him to ignore your words and come to you, comforting you with his words, not killing you with them.” Nathaniel was the one that spent the night with her as she cried herself to sleep after the nurses took the baby from her. Since then, Nathaniel never left her side.

If Oghren had been in the room with them he wouldn’t have hesitated to cut him down. The Warden had saved him and to have to hear her being talked to like that would not end well for the person who had said them.

 _Through all of this she still blames herself. It was my words that hurt her more than us losing our son. I was a monster and she didn’t need me around her. How could she ever even forgive me for what I had said?_ He took the package and wrapped it up again, keeping the booties out and placing the ring in his pocket. He opened up his journal and added his next entry.

_She’s ready and so am I. I’m going back home and we’ll try again, try as many times as we can handle. It feels selfish to do something like this knowing the possible outcome for an unborn child, but we can make it work. Hopefully I can use some healing magic to help as best as I can._

Anders packed his belongings and let his assistant know that he had to leave. “There’s important family business I have to attend to. My wife needs me and this time I’m not leaving her side.”

His assistant was shocked at his revelation. For the years that he was there he never mentioned anything outside of being an ex grey warden. No one really asked much about his personal life anyways, but it didn’t mean that they weren’t curious.

“Aren’t you going to say good-bye to Hawke and them?” she asked.

“No. They’d ask too many questions, questions I don’t want to answer nor have the time to. I left a letter here in case they do ask. I’m sure they won’t. It’s been a pleasure working and knowing you Muriel.

“Thank you ser. It was a pleasure for me as well.” Muriel waved good-bye to him knowing how heartbroken everyone was going to be, but he had a family to go to. They were a priority and as much as the people needed him there, and they did, they’d understand his need to be back with his wife.

“What do you mean he’s gone? Where did he go?” Hawke questioned Muriel.

“He went home, he left a letter for you.” Muriel handed him the letter.

Hawke,

I never told you and the rest of the group why I left the Wardens. My wife is the Hero of Ferelden. We had a tragic loss and we both handled it poorly and I left. I was a weak man and I came here to escape. Please don’t follow me. I’m going back to my wife, to attempt to repair what I have broken. I’m good at breaking things it seems. Good luck with everything. Remember to help the mages, for me. They need all the help they can get. May the Maker strike down Meredith.

Anders

Hawke stood there with the letter in his hands not believing anything he read. “Haha, did Varric write this?”

“No ser.” Muriel said not understanding why he’d ask such a question.

“Anders, our Anders, is married to the Hero of Ferelden. I can’t believe it. He left her to come to Kirkwall, whatever he did must’ve been bad.”

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anders walked into Amaranthine, it had changed. It felt lifeless, he never thought he’d see it like this. It was day time, but it was as silent as if it were night or worse, abandoned. He felt as if this was all his doing. He didn’t just destroy her, he destroyed the city. He looked around seeing some people shocked and others indifferent to his return. As he walked towards the gates of the palace he saw two familiar faces. Barksy and Ser-Pounce-A-Lot ran towards him.

“What are you two doing here?” he asked as Barksy knocked him down licking him all over. “Ugh, why did I think it was a good idea to get a dog?”

“Barksy? Pounce? Where you two?” a young soldier was running around frantically looking for them.

“They’re right here and I want to know why they’re outside of the estate.” Anders demanded an answer.

“Ser...what are you doing back? Did Nathaniel finally get a hold of you?" the soldier asked.

"Yes a month or so ago." Anders responded not understanding why the soldier seemed so jumpy.

"So you don't know. It's not why you're here."

"What are you talking about?" Anders started to feel a knot in his stomach. He wasn't liking where this was going.

“I’ll take care of this kid. So, you decided to show your sorry ass here. You sure picked a Hell of a time to show up. It's too late sparkle fingers." Oghren said angrily.

"What are you on about? What is everyone on about?" Anders grew frantic .

"She's gone."

"Where? Where did she go?" Anders pried for a positive answer. He hoped that maybe she went to Denerim, to The Circle for some stupid reason, anywhere, but where he least wanted her to go.

"The Deep Roads."

Anders dropped to his knees screaming out. "The Calling, tell me it was the Calling!" Anders screamed at Oghren as if it was going to change his answer.

"No, she could no longer wait, the pain was too unbearable. I swore to her that I wouldn't kill you on sight because it's taking a lot of willpower not to take you out of your misery right now mage." Oghren grew angrier with each word he spat out at Anders. No matter what Oghren was saying, it wasn't as painful as knowing that he drove her to this. _I was too late. Why did I wait so long? I'm a fucking monster it should be me there_

"Get up you useless human. She left something for you. I don't know why she still loved you up to the end. She would've still been here if it wasn't for you."

"Oghren stop." A voice from behind them boomed.

"Ugh, you're lucky mage."

"It wasn't just the waiting, it was her guilt." Nathaniel intervened. "Her final words to her husband after they lost their son. Oghren you weren't there, you didn't understand what happened. I was and I did."

Oghren walked off, huffing.

"When did she go?" Anders asked softly.

"Shortly after I gave her your letter. She told me she was going to go and meet you at Kirkwall. She was so happy. Maybe she went into the Deep Roads hoping to meet you there. I had told her that you were going to be heading back. I don't know if you ever did go, but she took my map to follow the directions, or so I thought until I saw the map on her, your bed. No one knows what happened. There has been no word. I asked Stroud to see if he encountered her, he said no, but Carver did, or someone that looked like her. He said that she was wearing the cloak you left here. Carver said he thought it was you at first until he noticed it was a woman. He asked why she was there and she said, 'to take care of some business'. No one ever saw her after that."

Anders stayed quiet, Barksy and Pounce still next to him, but silent.

"I'm sorry Anders. She loved you and if she is alive and truly searching for you, then she clearly still loves you.'

"I have to gather my stuff and leave. I'm taking the dog and cat. I need something of hers with me. Thank you for being the one to diffuse this situation." Anders walked through the estate feeling everyone stare at him. He knew they despised him. Even after June had told them that it was her fault, omitting his cruel words, gossip traveled fast and they knew he was partially to blame.

He cleared out the room. Taking everything he needed, everything he could carry. He stayed in his room with Pounce and Barksy. Food was brought to him and he was expecting it to be poisoned, hoping it was poisoned. It wasn't. That night was all nightmares for him. Reliving their last moments, their good times, the letters.

The next morning he ate his breakfast said good bye to Nathaniel and left. He was returning to Kirkwall and this time there will be questions from everyone. He stopped at the gates and turned back around.

"Nate?"

"Yes Anders?

"Take them. Take Pounce and Barksy. I'm headed to the Deep Roads to find my wife and I don't want to risk their lives. If I don't come back by then then you know what happened. I'm more of a lover, not a fighter. Me alone with a darkspawn won't end well. It has been great knowing you. I'm happy you decided not to kill my wife, your friend, when you first met."

"Me too Anders. She was...is a lovely woman." Anders walked back towards Nathaniel and hugged him. "I hope to see you both in each other's arms in 2 months."

Anders let out a bittersweet smile and headed to the Deep Roads. No matter her fate, he was going to find her. If he was going to die looking for her, he didn't care. If anyone could survive in the Deep Roads on their own is her.

**Author's Note:**

> I was debating on whether to end the story on a high or low note. After reading this you know which one I ended up on. I'm actually thinking of doing another happy ending one after this one has crushed everyone's hearts including mine.


End file.
